It's Nothing... Really! Pt. 1

For those that actually read my blog, you'll notice that I always say that times have not been good and that I've been dealing with a "problem".

Here's the thing, my problems started a few months ago. As you all know or may not know this is the year I'm having my SPM. A major exam in which my future is going to be decided. No elaboration on the stress caused by this stupid exam as I think most people that is going to take this exam or have taken the exam knows about how much pain in the ass it can be.

Needless to say, conversations regarding my career paths are going to be discussed with my parents.

Here goes; I want to further my tertiary studies in the ICT field. My parents, however, wants me to go to Form 6 and decide from there what I want to take. Form 6 is, in a sense, useless to those that already know what they want. Not to mention being stuck in a secondary school with a uniform following stupid school rules and putting up with insufferable and incompetent teachers. I have no say in the matter as authority rules out whatever argument I put out there.

After the conversation, I needed to redo my notes as part of my ICT work. I found out that my reference book was missing because I lend it to someone earlier that day. The book was never returned to me properly, instead it was left on my school desk without my knowledge.
Sorry, regardless of what you think, I still think the book was not returned properly*
So, great, I had to redo the notes entirely through memory because my book was missing and my computer was being used by my father's company to finish up some paperwork. Things was not going well, I found out I MUST do form 6 and I must finish up my notes (sacrificing sleeping time) and, oh yeah, did I mention the girl I like started to ignore me for no apparent reason. Despite efforts to approach her, she still ignored me at that time. Reason until now I don't know.

So the next day I went to school and practically blasted everyone because of a stupid book. Stress tends to make you moody. I showed a moment of anger (okay, I admit, innocent people got gunned down too) and I'm branded for life as the guy with the anger management problem. Maybe if I cried then things will be different? That's the problem with stereotypes. Showing anger = no good and incapable of good.

That's not even one of my bigger problems... yet...

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Selfish-ism?

I have deviated from the "true" purpose of this blog, that is, to introduce my so called theories. Twisted and straight likewise.

Times haven't been good lately, for me at least. I received bad news at a somewhat bad time in my life. Which results in me thinking of self-destruction? And me getting screwed up as seconds go by. Living in mental torture. Anyways, more about that later. What you need to know is that I suffered. Bad. Really bad. Or maybe I'm still suffering?

I won't bore you with what is the news about. Who cares about boring details anyway? Unless you really want to know in which case just let me know. I'll be happy to share my pain.

The news was brought to me as a result of selfishness. Which brings us to my new theory.

"Regardless of whoever it is, they're selfish."

Basically what I'm saying is; everyone is selfish. You may be asking what about those people who likes to help other people once in awhile or maybe a lot, e.g. me. I like to think myself as that so just let me be, okay?*

Sad to say, they are doing it out of selfishness or to gain something that is beneficial to them. How so? A person feels good when helping others. Selfishness. Some not-so-good samaritans expect something in return. Another case of selfishness.

Almost everything is done because of personal gain. Why do you study? To secure a bright future? Whose future is it? Yours? See what I mean? Can't? Then sad to say, again, you're slow or maybe mildly retarded, or maybe just plain stupid?

I'm selfish too, I admit. Why do I do favours? No, its not that I expect something in return. I just feel good doing favours. But its mostly over now as a result of another person's selfishness.

"U reli dun like it...
But did u care whether i like it? No."

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

A Loss?

5 stages of grief:

1. Denial - Been in it for almost 2 years.

2. Anger - Random bursts these few months.

3. Bargaining - Did it but to no avail.

4. Depression - Experiencing it right here right now, 24 hours, 7/11. Yup, its that bad.

5. Acceptance - A long, long, long, way to go...

So, yea, I'm in denial, angry, cheap, depressed like mad.

But you wouldn't know it, right?

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Shortkey?

Ctrl+A


Isn't It Beautiful?

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

I'm Fine Now... I Think? (Edited)

I think I'm okay now? I dunno, I'm not sure. It just takes something small & trivial to send me spiraling down to the depths of sadness. *Saw the language there?

New resolve... I said long ago that I wanted the face challenges head on. This is one.

"Things you wanted me to do, I did, and will continue doing.
Things you wanted me to say, I said, and will continue saying.
Thoughts you wanted me to think, I thought of, and will continue thinking."

But there's one thing that I cannot, after numerous attempts, and will not do for now; to let go even if logic tells me to.

So, do what you want. Tell people you don't like me. Find someone else. Hide from me. Ignore me. Lie to me. Break and shut me down.

Regardless of the things you do, I will not stop feeling what I felt before.

People will ask me whether I like or, dare I say, "love" you. I will not say no... nor will I say yes... because this is truly a...

One-sided Love/Hate Relationship

P.S. Happy Birthday to you...

Monday, September 14, 2009